my head hurts

stupid sharpies, I was doodling, I want to draw something for my cousins baby, a picture to hang in his room or something like that, I suck at everything so I don’t know, I used to draw a lot when I was younger and I was pretty good at it too, I feel less creative now that I’m older and don’t do much of anything, but it feels good to just doodle, i love it, I need to just mess around more its fun.

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I feel so down right now, like low, like sad, i feel sad , i know i shouldnt but i do. my parents are leaving for 2 weeks for mexico, I wish I could go with them, its beautiful where they are from, its probably my second favorite place after az , I remember when I was little we had a van and would make trips to mexico, 4 or 5 days driving it was all towards the coast and it would be so green and the trees were bigger than anything I had ever seen, and it would always rain and smell so good after and the food was amazing and fresh and my grandparents had this amazing house with animals and fruit trees and the houses were so bright and they ran candy shop and my grandma would let me have anything I wanted. i can still remember the church bells ringing and how they would have a market in the center of town with all the food you could think of and fresh juice and good stuff, the last times I’ve gone were not really vacation there were because of deaths in the family. I still remember when my aunt died years ago it was so hard, really hard, I didn’t understand, I mean I was 14 or so and I still don’t understand now how or why she died, one day she was a healthy young woman with little kids and then she got sick, and she just got worse, i dont even know, at the end of it she was eating out of a tube, she was so skinny, she couldn’t move, we kept her alive but she just never got better, she was in a vegetative state, she looked at us but she didnt and she just couldn’t say anything, she just was, I don’t know why im thinking about her right now, just writing this is making me feel sad and im crying. I haven’t really thought about her in a while, I wish I could remember her as she was before that all happend but I can’t, I feel happy knowing I talked to her, I don’t know if she heard me but I did, I tried to. she lived with us for years it just never got better, we always had people coming to help always praying, any church anything was helpful, I feel like I could have done more though, I know everyone feels like that but it just never got better. it was hard on everyone who knew her. I don’t want to say this is what messed me up, but its part of it, when all this happend I was young, I knew nothing about anything, I saw someone I loved die slowly, trapped inside there own body, having to be bathed and changed and fed through a tube, and I questioned god and if all these different people from different churches are here singing and praying and carrying her and helping us why is nothing working and why would any god let her live like this. I still question it. but I hope that she is happy now and she knows that everyone who loved her loved her and tried so hard, it was hard on everyone for so many years but they still tried. I hope she knows that, I hope she is watching us from heaven and keeping us safe. she impacted my life, it is probably the biggest hardship I’ve ever witnessed in my life and has affected me in many ways.

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so im headed to las vegas in a couple hours

I haven’t slept which is horrible, but what am I going to do. I have my clothes and makeup ready to go and my camera. it sucks cause its not like I can really go out clubbing or catch a concert because everything is 21+ and even if I were, gambling and drinking are not my thing, smoking ehhh I don’t smoke anymore, and what else is there to do that won’t cost me my whole paycheck..

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im waiting to pick up the kid i babysit. its so hot today, it was so nice all week and now its back to being hot as hell. today has been busy and im just so exhausted. I just want to take a nap. I went to take a tour for a cosmetology school. i love makeup I think its so fun and you should see my youtube subscriptions all I do is watch makeup tutorials and I really like the school so I think maybe I might do it. i went for a makeup class and i like how they teach and present. I could do makeup hair and photos all in one. someone ask me something.

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Things that should be under $20:

• plane tickets
• concert tickets
• clothing
• college

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